


even at the best times i'm out of my mind

by Valery_Snowflakes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, birthday depression, more of a vent than anything tbh, phil is actually v kind and understanding, phil wants dan to have the best day ever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-09 18:53:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13487622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valery_Snowflakes/pseuds/Valery_Snowflakes
Summary: Every single item in his checklist was ticked off, still, it did little to help calm down the tangle of negative emotions that was swirling in his head, growing darker and bigger every passing second, threatening to unleash itself if Dan didn't pay him attention.





	even at the best times i'm out of my mind

**Author's Note:**

> My birthday was yesterday and it was honestly the best day ever. I got everything I asked for and even more, my family came and it was amazing. It would've been the best day ever — if only I hadn't felt dull all day.
> 
> I don't know how many of you have gone through this, having a day that would have been amazing if only you hadn't felt so bad. I'm actually a little pissed because I couldn't enjoy my day to the fullest, and everyone went the extra mile to try and give me the best time ever. I feel like I failed them, not enjoying what they were offering me as much as I could have. I don't think anyone really noticed how disconnected I felt, but oh well.
> 
> Please don't take everything I say here personal, this was a little snippet of my experience yesterday. Of course, I didn't have a Phil to accompany me through the day, really wish I did, though. 
> 
> The Dan you're about to read is more of me than he'll ever be of the real Dan Howell, and that's okay, I didn't intend for him to be a carbon copy of the Dani Snot On Fire we all love. Take this as a work of fiction, as me trying to empty out my feelings, if you will.
> 
> That being said, enjoy your reading! I love you all!
> 
> Title's from Fall Out Boy — Stay Frosty Royal Milk Tea

There’s an ache in his chest and Dan hates it.

  Out of every single fucking day life could’ve chosen to make him feel like shit in the month of June, his birthday seems to be the one it had decided to do so.

  And the thing is, this isn’t a bad day. Not even close. He woke up to sleepy cuddles from Phil and a three hour breakfast. He’d received more calls than he ever had before, and it wasn’t as tiring as it was nice, refreshing almost, to know that there were quite a lot of people that cared enough about him to bother in calling, texting or even editing him a simple image to wish him a happy birthday. There were so many Twitter mentions he actually had to uninstall the app so it wouldn’t slow down his phone.

  But everything felt monochrome.

  He’d got more presents than he had imagined, every single item in his checklist was ticked off and there were other things he hadn’t asked for but wanted anyway, items he was sure he’d told no one about. Still, it did little to help calm down the tangle of negative emotions that was swirling in his head, growing darker and bigger every passing second, threatening to unleash itself if Dan didn't pay him attention.

“How’re you feeling?” Phil asks, giving his hand a gentle squeeze, and Dan wants to answer with a self-deprecating joke, but he’s not going to do that, not when Phil has gone out of his way to try and make Dan have the best day ever. And he would have succeeded, if only his depression wasn’t such a bitch.

“This is amazing,” Dan says instead, watching buildings pass by from where they’re sitting in the back of their Uber. He still feels a little full from the Indian buffet Phil had taken him on earlier that day, and his mouth still carries that sweet flavour from the Maltesers milkshake Phil had bought him as a prank gift.

“I’m glad you’re liking it,” Phil answers, blue eyes sparkling and smile so wide it makes Dan’s heart skip. Even after all this years, he thinks, his best birthday gift is seeing Phil smile.

“I probably could have done with a little bit less food,” he teases, rubbing his stomach like pregnant women do. “But whatever. Tomorrow is salad and yoga day, though.”

  Phil laughs, kind and cheerful and Dan closes his eyes, tries to bury the dark, oppressing feeling under his boyfriend’s laugh.

“Do you want to watch a movie when we get home?” Phil asks, playing with Dan’s fingers from where they are holding hands in the car seat. “We could see that one you’ve been dying to see on Netflix, or we could make a run to the DVD store and get whatever you choose.”

“I think I’d much rather lay in the sofa and watch you play Guitar Hero, for the sake of the old times, you know.” There’s a special tone in his voice, that kind of inner AmazingPhil fanboy joy that hasn’t left him, always walking by his side and screaming whenever Phil does something he used to do on YouTube.

“Okay,” there’s a pause and then, “Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’ve pushed through today,” Phil says, and really Dan shouldn’t be so surprised because Phil knows him in and out, can read him like a magazine. “I know it must’ve been hard for you, but I’m glad you stuck with me for the day.”

  Dan smiles, considers his answer.

“I’m glad you’re stuck with me,” he says, taking Phil’s ring finger and taking it to his lips.

“There’s no one else I’d rather grow old with.” Phil says, and Dan wants to cringe at how cheesy everything is.

“I think I have someone I’d rather grow old with than you,” Dan whispers, hopes Phil doesn’t take it seriously.

“Really? Who is it?” There’s just the slightest twinge of sadness in his voice and Dan almost regrets making the joke.

“Your mum.” Dan opens his eyes again, sees Phil’s face contort from desperation to anger go from that to an incredulous smile.

“Fuck off."


End file.
